Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Got wrinkles?

Last month, I spent quite a bit of time on the Weather Channel's website, checking out the hourly forecast.  When a string of four or five sunny days showed up in the extended outlook, I decided to take a few days off to paint a section of the house, which faces north and doesn't get as much sun.

Before I applied each coat of primer or paint, I'd check the hourly forecast, just to make sure that I was safe from rain for at least another 24 hours.

The more time I spent on the Weather Channel's website, the more I realized that people in Rochester must have problems with wrinkles and premature aging.

Here was my first clue...

Tryouts for the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre,
Part IX' will be held next month.

Judging from the first picture, this wretched woman certainly had some issues with wrinkles.  After the amazing $4 wrinkle therapy, the wrinkles were gone, and she no longer looked like a burn victim.  However, she still looked miserable...  and ugly.  I guess that Rochester Mom #1 wasn't so clever after all.

It didn't take me long to find the next wrinkle therapy.  Sure enough, I clicked the link for the hourly forecast, and I was presented with the following.

Hmmm...  $5.00.  It was a dollar more expensive, so maybe it worked better than the 'Leatherface' treatment.  But I'm still not sure how rubbing elephant shit all over one's face is supposed to make wrinkles disappear.

Chalk that up as a major FAIL for Rochester Mom #2.

Satisfied that the hourly forecast didn't show any rain for at least 24 hours, I knew I'd be able to apply that first coat of primer that afternoon.  But I wondered if I'd be able to apply that first coat of paint the next day, after the primer had cured?

I clicked the link for the 5-day forecast, waiting to find out.

More skin problems.

Aside from alien babies wanting to refinance their mortgages, we now had Rochester Mom #3 putting the smack-down on her wrinkles by dressing up like Zorro.  This particular product didn't have a price listed, so I figured it was probably more expensive...  $8 maybe?

Ooooh...  the next few days looked pretty good.  Sunshine all around.

What about the 10-day forecast?  If I finished up everything in time, I could start another section the following week.

I clicked the link for the 10-day forecast.

Why don't Local Dads ever do anything for Rochester?

More alien babies trying to get out of debt.  And there's another $5 wrinkle therapy from Rochester Mom #4.  $5 seems like a pretty good price...  if you don't mind looking like Glenn Close's understudy in 'Fatal Attraction'.

And finally...

What the %#ck is this woman doing!?

This shallow tramp looks like she's superimposed another woman's face and skin over her allegedly wrinkled visage.

Well that's just great.

Rather than take the time and effort to see a traditional treatment run its course, Rochester Mom #5 suggests that we find somebody with a healthy face, rip it off, and staple it over our own, just to make the problem go away.

This seems like kind of a cheap way out.  And you're ultimately treating and covering up the symptoms, but not doing anything to address the underlying cause of the problem.

That being said, this is probably the only treatment that's covered by the major health insurance companies.  Rochester Mom #5 must work for Excellus.

I have a better suggestion.

Instead of trying to improve our skin by smearing, schlopping, and molesting our faces with everyday household items and other organic matter, maybe we should stop ingesting buckets of dairy and oil with all of our meals, lay off the cigarettes, and do a better job staying away from tanning salons and excessive solar radiation.

If you want something badly enough, you've gotta work for it.

Anyways, who knew that planning around the weather to paint a small section of one's house could be so damn complicated?

The finished product looks great, by the way...  just in case you were wondering.

"Ready when you are, Sargeant Pembry."

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