Those %#cking Political Ads...

Um, thanks for that, Mr. Lee.  I've always wanted to know
more about the nipples that were in charge of the 26th District.

This past February, the seat in the 26th Congressional District in Western New York went vacant, when Republican Representative Chris Lee resigned over some topless pictures of himself that he texted to a lady-acquaintance on Craigslist.

Aside from the photo above, which was heavily-circulated throughout all media outlets for about a week, I didn't expect the repercussions of Mr. Lee's actions to affect the quality of my own life in any way whatsoever.

Unfortunately, I was sorely mistaken.

There's no question that Mr. Lee owed an apology to his wife and offspring for all of the shame and embarrassment that his actions caused.  Frankly, it's none of our business how all of that went down.

I'm Jack Davis, and I'm going to annoy the $h!t out of you!

But three months later, Mr. Lee also owes an apology to every resident of the 26th Congressional District, as well as the neighboring districts, for making us endure the most annoying, horrific, mind-numbing ninety days of dirty, politically-infused feces-hurling in the history of mankind.


The election to fill the vacant seat was held yesterday, and Democrat Kathy Hochul beat out Republican Jane Corwin, as well as the grizzled 'n frumpy Tea Party candidate Jack Davis.



One of the great aspects of our country's political system is that we're only subject to the campaign ads on television no more than once every two years.

Well, thanks to Mr. Lee, we've had to endure a 'special campaign' for the past three months.

I'm Kathy Hochul, and I'm going
to annoy the $h!t out of you!

It used to be that candidates for the major political parties would tell you what they planned to accomplish if they were voted into office.

Nowadays, the candidates don't tell you a damn thing about what they plan to accomplish.  Instead, they spend millions of dollars to let you know why the other candidate is such a dirty scumbag and why you shouldn't vote that person into office.

This is accomplished by creating commercials which include the following:

• black and white still images of the opponent in mid-sentence, frowning and baring their teeth
• men in hard hats with their arms crossed, looking frustrated
• senior citizens shaking their heads in dismay, as they try to balance their checkbooks
• children looking malnourished and sad
• charts that show arrows pointing down
• a deficit counter with an exponentially-increasing deficit
• haunting piano music from a made-for-TV Stephen King movie
• a narrator who speaks in a tone and manner that is so bleak and hopeless that one would assume that his colonoscopy is scheduled for later that day

If these commercials ran once or twice a day, I'd be able to put up with it...  barely.  Unfortunately, they're aired once or twice...  or three times or four times...  every five minutes.

During a typical election season, you'll see about two hundred political ads each day, but the pain and suffering will be spread out over a handful of races and seats, depending on the district.

The problem with this particular election was that there was only one race in question.

For three months, we all saw over two hundred ads each day...

     ...AND THEY WERE ABOUT THE SAME THREE MISERABLE HUMAN BEINGS.

I'm Jane Corwin, and I'm going to annoy the $h!t out of you!

During a typical hour-long television show, the commercials would be broken down into the following schedule:

• TV Show Intro
• Commercials:
• Kathy Hochul explains why Jane Corwin is such a miserable human being
• Advertisement for pills to make it easier for a white man to get a stiff penis
• Jane Corwin explains why Kathy Hochul is such a miserable human being
• Advertisement for depression medication
• More of TV Show
• Commercials:
• Jack Davis explains why Kathy Hochul is such a miserable human being
• Advertisement for yogurt that makes it easier for exercising women to take a shit
• Jane Corwin explains why Jack Davis is such a miserable human being
• Kathy Hochul explains why Jack Davis is such a miserable human being
• Advertisement for pills that make it easier for a black man to get a stiff penis
• Advertisement for pills that prevent an overweight, black man from suffering a second heart attack
• More of TV Show
• Commercials:




I'm Kathy Davis, and I'd
like to audition for 'Glee'.

• Jane Corwin explains why Jack Davis is more like Kathy Hochul and why they're both miserable human beings
• Kathy Hochul explains why Jack Davis is more like Jane Corwin and why they're both miserable human beings
• Advertisement for a bra that's designed for a larger woman with bigger breasts and doesn't leave marks in her shoulders
• Advertisement for a pill that a man with gray hair can take to make his arthritis go away and help him play frisbee with a golden retriever
• Jane Corwin explains why Kathy Hochul is such a miserable human being
• Jack Davis explains why Kathy Hochul is such a miserable human being
• Advertisement for yogurt that tastes like apple pie and helps exercising women take a shit
• More of TV Show
• Commercials:
• Advertisement for a different depression medication
• Jack Davis explains why Kathy Hochul is such a miserable human being
• Kathy Hochul explains why Jack Davis is such a miserable human being
• Kathy Hochul explains why Jack Davis is such a miserable human being
• Jane Corwin explains why Kathy Hochul is such a miserable human being
• Advertisement for pills that make a woman's shit softer.  They don't make her shit more often, but they make it easier for her to shit when she needs to shit.
• Advertisement for a pill that helps a naked man's penis get stiffer while he and a naked woman sit together in separate bathtubs holding hands, after the walls of their home disappear into the ground while the stars come out
• Jane Corwin explains why Kathy Hochul and Jack Davis are miserable human beings
• TV Show Ends - Credits Roll

As you can imagine, it can get pretty confusing for an honest, hard-working citizen to know who they should vote for, if all three candidates are such miserable human beings.

I'm Jane Davis, and I'm here to audition for Van Halen.

I'm just happy that the election is over.  During the last several weeks, all three candidates have kind of blended into the same miserable monster.

Kathy Hochul says that Jane Corwin will ruin Medicare while Jack Davis will ship job overseas, who says that Kathy Hochul is Nancy Pelosi's puppet, which is why Jane Corwin is busting on Kathy Hochul, saying that she'll raise taxes, while Jack Davis and Jane Corwin will cut taxes for the rich, while the middle class suffer, because Jane Corwin is all about politics as usual, while Jack Davis will not be bought because he kept jobs for his own company in this country, even though he didn't...

Let's just say that I'm glad that I didn't have to cast a vote in this steaming turd-fest.

Good job, Kathy Hochul.  Hope you're happy.

Now get to work fixing that mess in Washington...

Jack Hochul needs a lighter shade of red, if he/she
really wants to make an impression with the voters.